धुआँ और धूप

We all have faced situations in life where we feel that we are not worth out parents’ sacrifices. We are down with confidence until its them to pump us up.

The following is a fictional dialogue between what we call ‘dhoop batti’ and the and fragrance filled ‘dhuaan’   and the situation resonates with real life.

  • प्रति भोर को सूर्य निकलता 

          प्रति भोर को जलती धूप ।

          प्रति भोर को धुआँ था उठता 

          प्रति भोर एक साधे चूप।

  • सुखी सुखी जब धूप थी जलती

          दुखी हो तब धुआँ पसरता।

          राख हो रही धूप थी मगर 

          पल पल वह धुआँ था मरता।

  • विकल मन जब धूप ने चाहा         

          कारण उस उदासी का

          बिलख पड़ा तब धुआँ भी जैसे 

          फँसा हो फंदा फाँसी का।

  • धुएँ के लिए जलती हो तुम

          नाम तुम्हारा धूप है 

          काला गोरा जैसा भी है 

          निश्चित तुम्हारा रूप है।

  • दिशाहीन हो उड़ता हूँ मैं

          कहीं गुम हो जाने को

          गुमनामी के पथ पर चलता

         लौट ना वापस आने को।

  • भागा फिरता खुद से हूँ

          जैसे बेईमान हूँ

          पल पल खलता असफल करता

          तुम्हारा यह बलिदान हूँ।

  • जलना छोड़ा धूप ने नहीं

          एक बात कह के जाने को

          बुझ जाती जो धूप वह अगर

          न होता धुआँ बतियाने को।

  • अरे मूरख तू क्या जाने 

          क्या समर्थ यह बलिदान है

          तेरा दिशाहीन होना मात्र ही

          एक अतुल्य वर्दान है।

  • दिशाहीन जो ना होता तू

          सुगंध कैसे फैलाता

          चहू ओर के धुएँ में मिश्रित

          दुर्लभ कैसे कहलाता ।

  • धुआँ पनः चल पड़ा 

          कहीं न पहुँचना चाहता था

          दिशा भी न माँगता वह अब

          स्वयं राहें बनाता था।

  • धुआँ धूप सब एक सारखे

          अलग अलग बस रूप है 

          धुआँ जहाँ एक माध्यम था

          सुगंधित तो बस धूप है।

                         – त्रिपाठी

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Yes, you are sad. Now change it.

The class had already begun. I was a bit late. I entered the class with my head lowered and sat in the last row.Conic section. Like half the other topics this too was going way over my head. 12th boards were just months away and so was JEE Main. I was  one of ‘the mediocre guys’ of Kota. Guys like me wouldn’t get carried away with anything. Neither studies nor chilling out. I had lost all the lusture I possessed after highschool by the end of the two year journey. Life was smacking me in the face. There was no one to ask me how my day was and that killed me everyday. Monotony had set in.
But most of all I had become anti-social. I wouldn’t even look at you if you didn’t talk first. I resented this habit but that’s how circumstances made me. 
During the class, I blindly copied the notes without knowing the head or tail of what was written. The class ended. I packed my books in the bag and sat waiting for the next lecture to begin. Physical Chemistry. It was break time but I found no use going out. I had no friends and some who were, were as gloomy as me. My eyes wandered around the class. I stayed with them for two entire years and couldn’t befriend them?. I looked out, boys sharing a laughter, talking to girls, while I had restricted my myself to my own boundaries. I saw through the corner of my eye a guy looking at me. I knew this guy. He borrowed my notebook once. Thats the one and only time we talked. Just once. 

I looked at him and lifted my eyebrows, asking what he wanted. He called me and asked me to sit next to him in the middle row. I wondered what he wanted and went next to him with my bagpack. He began talking casually about studies and his home and stuff. Those were the only topics we could discuss. The break was over and the children rushed into the class. Behind them entered our teacher. And the class began. Just as soon as he entered. He began asking questions to each and every student. Those who could answer were made to sit down. Till my turn came, 4 out of every 5 students were standing. Now it was my turn, I stood up and shook my head, without even hearing the question. This was the low my confidence had hit. By the time this regime ended, 80% of the class was standing. Bored faces, ‘dont give a shit’ attitude. We had our dose of explanation and sat down. The class continued. After sometime, the guy next to me said ‘This is for you’ and slid his hand under the desk. I looked at what he held. It was a keychain carved of wood. It had my name on it in a beautiful font. Aakash. I was puzzled. I was like ‘Dude I barely know you. What’s this?’ He read my mind. ‘Bhai you are so silent. I wanted to talk to you but I thought you would brush me off. I wanted to initiate the conversation somehow.’ Still puzzled I glanced back at the white board. Is he for real?  Who does shit like this? Is this the image I am creating in peoples’ mind? The class was over, we went to the cafeteria and I offered him tea.

 ‘Look I am not at all like this. It’s just that I am confused.’

‘Confused?’

‘About life, man. Shit’s become monotonous. I am in too deep to see light. The thought of future scares me.’

‘That’s the case with everyone. But look around. People still are happy.’

‘ They are happy because they don’t care’

‘Maybe sometimes that’s all that matters. Never cease to try being happy. Things would eventually fall in place. Go ahead, make friends.Have fun. Run, jump, dance. Fall down. Get up. But just don’t stop. Now I wish I knew the real you. We would have had fun.’

I sipped my tea, looking at the far end of the room. I too wish so. 

‘ Anyways today is my last day in Kota. I leave tomorrow. That’s why I wanted to talk.’, he said.

‘Look I won’t say that I am sad. Infact I am happy. Now you’d some home food after a long time.’ 

‘Yeah buddy. But if you ever come to my city, do visit my place.’

‘Sure man’ 

‘Till next time’. ‘Bye’.
Later that evening, sitting in my room I looked out of the window. I wondered. Sometimes we need people’s approval to some questions. We know what we are going to hear but still we want an affirmation. We just want to hear the harsh truth.  I was sad. But it required another guy to tell me that I am. Maybe only that way I can put more thought to it and work on changing my ways. Maybe a total stranger’s view affects you deeper than your own. Its all a development process and we are willingly or unwillingly a part of it.

The Room

  • What stood toward the end

           Was a door left ajar

            Just a couple feet away

            Yet so far apart.

  • Teary eyed I hold a smile

          Turning back to face the room

          With no windows but four walls

          And an undying gloom.

  • Beholding my abode

         As the dark would slowly fade

         And the day would finally break 

         In my escape abode.

  • Unlocking every mural

          Every mural of the dark

          Singnified in the light

          What once were just a lark.

  • I peep through the door

          The world I was to face

          The world I had abandoned

          Escaping from the race .

  • Staring back at me 

         Were sad dolorous eyes

         That held pity for me 

         And all my ‘puny’cries.

  • Giving up was not my thing

          But I was too weak to stand

          And my watch grew too heavy

          For my feeble hand.

  • I slammed the door loud

         Never to open again

         And chose to stay indoors

         Till life in me remains.

  • My eyes grew homely

         To the dark that had diffused 

         In me, for every bit 

         Of light I had refused.

  • All alone in the room

         No one to tell me how

         Was I wrong then?

         How am I wrong now?
                        -Tripathi

Decision

You woke up this morning. Drowsy. Its just been 4 hours of sleep. You wanna go back to sleep. There’s shitload of work and you know that your sleep will harm your work. Should you go back to sleep? Should you not? Tick Tock. You say ‘Thats enough for today buddy get your rear moving’. Done. You win this one.
Its a pretty small thing to notice, but your day begins with a decision . A decision whether to snooze the alarm clock, pull the covers up and get another half hour of sleep or to get up and get to work. Success is not a big thing but a million little things. I have a belief that our life is a story. Whenever there’s something big going on in my life, like failing in IIT JEE, I think of it as one of the 100 difficulties in a story that make it worth reading and inspirational. It only leaves me happy to see how good my biography is going to look when I am done. Your one unconcious decision affects your life big time. It may be as small as waking up or as big as ending your life. I always used to wonder what they mean when they say ‘Be Yourself’. Maybe it was because I didnt know myself. Maybe I dont even now. But  I am happy..because I decided to be so. Decide to be happy. Be happy.